(GRED) means it’s so bad it’s good. It’s the best category there is. I get the most satisfaction out of horrible movies. Good is good but so bad it’s good is even better. So how bad is this movie? The first hint is in the movie posters below.
These posters show more about the characters then the actual movie. None of them have any names. The main dude is a priest (presumably named Priest). Then there is a girl priest who doesn’t have a name but is warm to the form of Priest for some reason; must be drawn to his dynamic personality. If there was punctuation for sarcasm I would have used it just then. There is also a bad guy who has no name in the movie but thanks to this poster I can now call him Black Hat. If he were to ever lose his hat I don’t know what we would call him…wait I think I just figured out the plot for the next one. It can be an origin story where he was just know as Mousy Brown Hair.
The plot for this one is that some random girl was kidnapped by vampires and the Priest has to save her. This alone does not make it a bad movie. Personally, I think Vampire stories need to go away for a very long time but just because a movie has vampires doesn’t make it bad.
The vampires in this movie aren’t even vampires. They are just weird looking monsters. They live in hives and on reserves. They don’t have eyes. They don’t even look human. As far as my knowledge of vampires goes there is nothing to connect them to being vampires other than it said they were vampires in the script. The zombies in I Am Legend look more realistic. That’s a burn on I Am Legend and Priest.
Nothing about this movie makes sense.
It opens with an animated history of the world. I guess vampires have always been around and the humans have always fought a loosing battle with them. The vampires can tear humans in half even if the humans have machine guns and tanks. The only thing that saves the humans are the priests. They aren’t really priests. They are killing machines. Kind of. You never really see how they are better than a tank at killing vampires.
Just writing the review for this movie makes me want to see it again. That’s the mark of a good bad movie. It’s amazing what they put on the screen. Did they really think it would work? Did they really expect me not to laugh.
I have never been so bored by a movie that it made me laugh. Half the movie is Priest driving through the desert on his motorcycle. That’s not hyperbole. Literally half the movie is him on his motorcycle while dramatic music is playing and you are sitting there wondering why tattooing a cross on his face makes him a better vampire killer.
If you have nothing else to do tonight (written on a Tuesday so it’s cheep movie day) go see Priest and witness a laughably horrible movie trying to cash in on the vampire craze.