C is for Car (But I prefer SBS)

1993-1995 Plymouth Acclaim photographed in USA...

Not the actual Jerkpants but one of his close friends.

Frequent readers (both of you) will know that my car is SBS (Stinging Bullet of Shame).  If you don’t know then I will update you on the shame that is SBS.

I have never washed the outside of SBS.  I haven’t washed any of my cars since that fateful summer when my car was stolen twice in three weeks.  After that I figured there was no point and gave up.  If you’re wondering it was a 94 Plymouth Acclaim named Jerkpants and I miss him everyday.

There is no gas cap in SBS.  I’m not sure where it went.  I put posters up but there have been no phone calls.  The reward I offered for my missing gas cap was a bear hug with slight swaying.  Because I don’t have a gas cap I’ve stopped filling up all the way in case something spills out while I’m driving.

The hood of SBS is contorted.  It’s only a matter of time before it pops up like in Tommy Boy.

There is no driver’s side mirror.  Someone knocked it off and didn’t bother leaving a note.  I guess the saw the condition of the car and realized it wasn’t a big deal to add a little bit more damage.  No one would even notice.

SBS is so loud people can hear me coming blocks away.  It’s only a matter of time before it shuts down completely.  I thought it would happen sooner so I stopped cleaning the inside of it.  Right now the trunk is full and the back seat is half full of random junk and garbage.

And it smells weird.

And I don’t lock it because I figure if someone is so desperate that they decided to steal a car like SBS then they can just have it.

It’s a miracle that SBS made it through the winter. I both want it to keep on living (I have no money to replace it) and want it to break so I can move on.  It’s a complicated relationship.

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