Pillow Anxiety

I don’t remember ever buying a pillow before and I’m not sure how that’s even possible.  I’m 25 years old and before I went pillow shopping yesterday I had three pillows on my bed.  Where on earth did they come from?  I think I just stole someone’s every time I moved.  It’s equally possible that I still have my pillow from when I lived with my parents even though I moved out six or seven years ago.

For sure I know that I don’t have the sweet feather Power Rangers pillow that my mom made for me when I was in elementary school.  It was an emotional day when she said we had to throw that out.  Maybe it’s that childhood drama that caused me to block out any other pillow experiences I might have had between now and then.

Also, if you’re reading this and I’m one of your old roommates and you are missing a pillow it’s at my house, for now. Soon it will be in the dumpster in the parking garage. Sorry for the accidental theft.

I have no idea how to buy a pillow.  I asked my girlfriend and she came to the same conclusion that I had come to.  You need to try the pillows out in the store.  Have you ever tried to do that?  There is no graceful way of getting that done.  For starters you look like a fool cuddling the pillows while standing up.  No one does that in the real world.  No one sleeps standing up. It looks so unnatural and a little creepy.

I wasn’t going to lay down on the floor of the secret Walmart.  I was wearing clothes that I liked.  Now that I know what it takes to properly test out a pillow in the store I have set aside a pillow testing outfit that can afford to be dirtied up by the floor.

The best way to test a pillow is to leave it on the rack and put your head on it.  It’s the position I’m modelling in the picture above.  It’s still not the best because as you can see the pillows are covered in plastic.  After putting your head on a few of them they all start to feel the same.  Then you have to rely on the words on the package.

They say things like ‘for back sleepers,’ ‘for side sleepers,’ ‘for stomach sleepers,’ and the confusing ‘for back and stomach sleepers.’  What is the difference?  If I buy a back sleeper but get the urge to sleep on my side one night am I going to get a kink in my neck?  Why can’t you make one pillow for all of them?

There is an entire aisle of pillows and they are all different.  I took a picture of the one I finally decided on.  It’s made of rayon from bamboo.  I don’t what that means but it makes it sound like I’m going to turn into a superhero if I’m exposed to it for too long.  Naturally I’ve increased my napping schedule to make it happen faster.  Not sure if I’ll get bamboo powers, pillow powers, or both.

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