It’s day 8.
It’s not December 8th right now but I’m running on advent calendar time where it’s been the 7th for a week or so .
“Today” (those would be air quotes if you were reading this out loud to someone) we open Santa’s bag of toys. Inside is another christmas mystery.
It’s a box that comes to a point on top. It also looks like you can wind it up but there is no evidence of what happens after it’s wound up. I showed this to my girlfriend and she votes that it is some kind of lantern.
I think what it really is, is Santa’s hurt box. On his list there are people who are naughty and people who are nice. Everyone knows this. But not everyone knows about the hurt box.
The worst person on the list gets put into the hurt box. It’s nothing like The Hurt Locker. The hurt box did not win any academy awards (but it may have been nominated for best comedy or musical in this year’s Golden Globes).
This is how it works.
Instead of dropping off presents to the worst person in the world. Santa chloroforms the little devil and stuffs him into the naughty bag which is made out of rose thorns and last contained salt.
After a long night in the naughty bag, the worst person in the world – that’s a little wordy. Let’s shorten it to Seth MacFarlane.
After a long night in the naughty bag, Seth MacFarlane gets thrown into the hurt box back at the north pole. After Santa slams the door shut he goes around and cranks the windup device on the back of the box.
As soon as the windup is done the Miley Cyrus’s song “Party in the USA” starts playing and it doesn’t stop. The most horrible thing about the hurt box (besides this song) is that there are no clocks. This song is played on a loop and it is almost impossible to tell when it starts and stops so there is no way to tell how much time has passed. The third time the song goes through it feels like a week has gone past.
That’s what the hurt box is all about. Disorienting Seth MacFarlane.
While that “awesome” song is playing there will be four TV screens on the four walls of the hurt box playing horrible things. One will be the rainbow wheel of a thinking Apple computer. This will be a tease for Seth MacFarlane because he will think that once the Apple computer is done thinking he can call for help using Twitter.
On another wall will be an Xbox with a red ring of death.
On the third wall is repeating video of the Twilight movies.
The forth wall is just one big strobe light.
Needless to say that ten minutes in the hurt box and you can’t even remember your own name. But it gets worse.
Because while all this goes on the smell of cinnamon is pumped into the hurt box. Yeah. Cinnamon. That’s what the devil uses to make his bathroom smell even more evil.
After Seth MacFarlane has been in there for three hours, which in hurt box time is twelve years, Santa gets back from his post gift giving bathroom break and pushes the hurt box down a snowy hill.
It’s a log roll that shakes loose everything in the hurt box. Seth MacFarlane is being assaulted by several TV’s, DVD’s, an Xbox (perhaps his neck gets tangled up in the wires *fingers crossed), and Miley Cyrus. Did I mention she was singing it live?
At the bottom of the hill, a hill all of Santa’s elves use to sled down, there is a snowy ramp because at the bottom of every sledding hill there is a snowy ramp.
The hurt box gets launched into the air and crashes through the ice into a freezing river.
The river takes Seth MacFarlane out into the ocean.
Oh I forgot to tell you. The hurt box is made out of narwhal food. Whatever that is. Now that the hurt box is out in the open water it attracts narwhals who then try to spear it with their… head swords? Horns? Giant tooth? I don’t know what it’s called.
If Seth MacFarlane survives the onslaught of hungry Narwhals he is then picked up by Santa sometime just after the new year and is given a map and a compass so he can find his way home.
By time Seth MacFarlane finds his way home it’s almost Halloween.
The whole experience is so horrible that Seth MacFarlane vows never to be so horrible ever again.
This Christmas tradition has been going on for the last 300 years. Things got awkward one year when there was a three-way tie for Seth MacFarlane. Three people in the hurt box is just a bad idea.
Also, there was one year where no one was particularly bad but tradition is tradition and for the first time a monk from Tibet was put into the hurt box. Back then the Xbox was a miniature horse and the strobe light was an all boys choir singing the same note for the duration of Seth MacFarlane’s stay.
For the record Seth MacFarlane has never been in the hurt box…yet.